mixed emotions...

My time is almost up. Soon it will be time to really face reality. With that, I am ridden with guilt, sadness, apprehension, anxiety, fear... It's hard to explain. I know I'm not *made* to be a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), but on the other hand, I've been having certain thoughts which ask me "why did you have a child if you don't plan on staying home with her?". It seems strange that I'm going back to work to have someone else *look* after my child. I am plagued with overwhelming thoughts and worry. I am overwhelmed by it all- so much so, that I don't even know how to put my thoughts into words (hence, the scatter-brained post).

I love my baby... that goes without saying.... I am excited and I literally jump out of bed in the morning to see her face- she laughs, giggles and kicks with excitement. Will it always be like this? When does that change? Will I always be so happy to see her in the morning even when she's 8, 13, 17, 25? I've enjoyed my time off with her, but I still long for her morning and afternoon naps where I can sip coffee and surf the net. It gives me an hour of rejuvenating until she wakes up again with a big grin. Do other mothers look forward to their child/dren's naps? Does this mean I am not meant to be a SAHM? That I should return to work? I do want to work... I like working... I like adult conversation.... I like money. Does this make me selfish? Where does this leave my child?

When Carys was a newborn, I knew that I wanted to go back to work... in fact, I know now that I want to go back to work, but it's different. Back then, I had one whole year to think about it. With the impending "return to work" date chosen, it now feels like I am making a big mistake. Actually, it's guilt that's telling me that I'm making a mistake. It really isn't an option to *not* return to work, so why am I going on like it is? I know she is going to a great daycare... I know she will learn a lot, socialize with other children and do things that she couldn't possibly do with me. When I think of that, I'm okay with it. I'm excited that she will have her own special day that she will eventually be able to share with us. I think it will all be okay. It just seems worse now, but once we're all in a routine, it will be good. Besides, shortly after going back, I will have March break to spend with her.... then summer... then Christmas break.... You really can't ask for a better profession when it comes to raising children.

Okay, I think my emotions are in check, now. I am going back to work in 2 months, Carys is going to daycare and life will continue to go on.... and we will all be just fine.